That was my most random title yet. This post will probably also be quite random. The only reason this post is actually becoming a thing is because I didn’t want to post it on our group chat on the off-chance that it might rub anyone the wrong way (because the me that overthinks can see the possibility). Call it wishful thinking, paranoia, overthinking, overanalyzing, whatever you will… as soon and as highly improbable as it may seem, there may be something in my non-existent love life to squint at for a bit.
After my unsuccessful pseudo-confession/rejection with Country Boy, I swore that I would give up all notion/hope of love before getting settled into grad school. I really don’t have the time/mental ability/desire to start a relationship with anyone else right now when my whole future is so up in the air. So someone please explain to me just what is happening now.
The other girls call him Golfer because, well, he used to teach golf. I met him like a month ago–if even and he’s been messaging me since (coincidentally) the very day of my pseudo-confession. The first meeting was just because he’d started working part-time and didn’t have as many chances to go to the language exchange centre where we met originally. He wanted a language conversation partner. I can understand that, I’ve been on language exchanges before with nothing deep, no big deal, right? When the entire meeting passed by without us speaking more than 3 sentences of English I had a prickling feeling that he didn’t invite me for just a language exchange.
Three days after that we met up at a shopping mall near my house and window shopped/ate frozen yogurt. Five days after that we went for dinner/bubble tea, where he paid for my meal. Six days after that (today) we went to see a movie that he admitted to only understanding around 5% of after, and didn’t particularly seem concerned to get the summary out of me. The time intervals may be getting longer, but that aside, things are going well. Smooth. WAY TOO SMOOTH.
In fact, I have reason to believe that we’re moving towards the “omgwtfdoIdowiththis” point at an alarming rate. If I posted this in the group chat, I’m sure I’ll get a unanimous “go with the flow”–two of which would egg me on to proceed further, one who’ll say “Idk about this… but I’ll support you if it happens”… seeing as I already know their responses there’s little point in asking.
I like him as a friend, and simply the attention is more flattering than I care to admit… but is that enough of a reason to be leading him on? Wouldn’t it just be rude to him/misleading him with promises that don’t exist if I continue to respond to him too warmly? Pause. Take a moment. REALLY think about the pros and cons for both parties in this situation. I have had and still have friends who are quick to say “there’s nothing wrong with that, just do it!” but in doing so this situation would all too reminiscent about that time with my ex…
I feel like I’m walking in a room with a floor full of glass. If I tread too carelessly or too hard I will break something and my foot will get hurt, but to be honest, I’m much more worried for the object I will break. #thisiswhyI’msingle #butIwon’tregretstayingsingleifitsavesothers
Talk about first-world problems and never being happy with what you get. I may want a boyfriend, but not like this… not with these thoughts/this mindset.
Signing out with a heart full of doubt,